Friday, June 30, 2006

Egyptian Medicine

For me going back to Egypt is a walk in the park, I go where I please and navigate through the country like I've been there my whole life but there's one thing that scares the crap out of me whenever I go there.....Egyptian Doctors! Its an 18 hour flight and I spend 17 of those hours praying to God that I don't get sick because an Egyptian Doctor is more likely to kill me with his University of Cairo education than cure me. However because I am the unluckiest human being to ever live, I get sick each and every single time I go to Egypt. Let me categorize my adventures...

Egypt 1996-Vicious Stomach Virus.
Over night I went from healthy to laying on my death bed, every muscle in my body ached, it felt like Wolverine was giving me a full body massage. My temperature was SO high that I was hallucinating about monkeys with human faces dancing on the balcony, at one point I was laying on the bed and suddenly felt like I was falling through all the floors of the building from the 13th to the 1st. I had so little energy that spiders were crawling on me and I didn't have the strength to brush them away but I did have strength to run to the bathroom just in time to feel my bowels fall out! I was throwing up so hard I thought I was going to turn inside out and when I ran out of liquids I dry heaved like a house cat. Gross. Jokes aside it is the closest to death I have ever been. I refused to let a Doctor or anyone claiming to be a Doctor even look at me. However I still had to settle for Egyptian medicine, I was force fed charcoal pills to calm my stomach, literally pills made of charcoal to calm my stomach! As soon as they touched my stomach they came right back almost in a bouncing motion.

Egypt 2002-Abscess.
While trying to sleep in the oppressive heat I got bit by two mosquito's in my arm pit. I scratched them and by the time I got back to the U.S. they had become infected. I had to go to the emergency room to have them drained, I could have filled a value size mayonnaise jar with the amount of puss that came out. This time I got lucky I wasn't exposed to Egyptian medicine.

Egypt 2004-Cellulitis.
I get a mosquito bite on my ankle and it turns into a red ring. In less the 2 hours it turns into a completely swollen ankle and it hurts so bad that I finally concede to receive medical attention but not like you might think. I agree to see a Pharmacist who my family insists on calling "Doctor" which really pisses me off because I don't even like American Pharmacists. Think about it, this guy has the best gig you could possibly come up with, he gets paid 6 figures and a signing bonus just to put pills in a bag. At first I thought maybe I was just being critical and that there really is much more to his job than previously thought, but no. Apparently the hardest part of his job is putting your prescription into a computer which tells him if any current prescriptions will conflict with the new one, prostitutes work harder! My Grandfather used to refer to the Pharmacist as a "Baa'al". In Arabic a "Baa'al" is the guy who fills a bag with peanuts or pistachios. Grandpa was a Genius!

Anyways, so I go to the Baa'al, he looks at my ankle and gives me a cream for BED SORES!! What!?!?!?! He also gave me this extremely affective pain killer, this stuff was like Vicodin but better! Still though, every time I took one of those pills I thought I was going to die. You might think I am being dramatic but I could give you a list of people whose death certificate says "Cause of Death: Egyptian Doctor".

Its not till I get back to the U.S. that an American Doctor tells me I have cellulites and that without anti-biotics will spread to my whole body.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Lukiest Arabs Ever!!

If you were auspicious enough to have read The Dura-II you’d be aware that a man received only $400,000 after a company installed a penile implant which gave him a permanent erection lasting him the last 10 years, a suit which I believe is worth at least 5 million. That case made me loose faith in the entire Judicial system, but I guess generous Judges and Juries still do exist causing these Arabs to win the award for “Luckiest Arabs Ever”.

And the award goes to............ Edgar Rizkallah and Kamil Issa (I have a feeling Edgar is his “American” name, I doubt Mahmoud and Shareefa gave birth to “Edgar”). Two Lebanese-American FedEx drivers who sued FedEx because their boss of two years had been “harassing” them with “slurs” like “camel jockey”, “terrorist”, “Hezbollah” and I kid you not “Arabs”.

This requires further analysis…. While being lucky enough to have a stupid judge and jury these guys were also lucky enough to have a lawyer who was genius enough to convince a court that “Arab” is a racial slur. What could their argument possibly have been, “we prefer Phoenician?” As far as “Hezbollah”, these guys are Lebanese and were in Lebanon during Lebanon’s many civil wars, what are the chances they weren’t in Hezbollah!? I get called “terrorist” and “camel jockey” everyday, I think every Arab-American does, what’s the problem, a matter of fact I refer to myself as camel jockey, it’s a great ice breaker.

Now for the good stuff, you’re going to be pissed when you hear this, the Jury awarded these guys $61 Million. Yea that’s right $61 Million for their emotional distress, say it with me, CHA-CHING!! Even better the harassment occurred before 9/11 and the suit was filed 4 months before 9/11. However the trial didn’t start until after 9/11 which definitely boosted the sensitivity meter.

Imagine if you were called in to sit on the jury, its just after 9/11 and some Arabs come in talking about being harassed, you would give them anything they asked for and apparently they did.. Lucky for these guys we live in a country where super liberals control popular thought and every other person acts like the political correctness police. Wouldn’t it be ironic if these guys actually were terrorists and they used their settlement to fund a terrorist training camp?!

Things Aren't The Same Anymore

When you hear “EGYPT” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? For most people its pyramids, King Tut, Ramses II, the Nile and mummies. For an Egyptian like myself that kind of association can get annoying sometimes, how many times can you explain to people you don’t live in a pyramid or worship cats, but regardless of that its still a culture to be proud of.

Being Egyptian has always had certain implications, its an amazing conversation starter. As long as I can remember, telling someone I am Egyptian has earned responses like , "oh wow really?" and "have you ever seen the Pyramids" It still does but increasingly more it has earned a different response….We’ll get to that in a bit.

On the morning of 9/11 I woke up to the T.V. and watched as the Twin Towers fell. Like most people I had absolutely no idea what was going on, so I didn’t think twice when I put on my Egypt flag T-Shirt with the words “Beladi, Beladi” (My country, My country) written on it and left for class. On my way to class I saw an acquaintance from one of my classes, he ran up to me, grabbed me by the shoulders and while shaking me screamed “What’s going on, what did you do?” What could I say, I still had no idea what was going on. As the day progressed it became more obvious what happened and who was to blame, a Palestinian girl I knew made a point to tell a large group of people, “America deserved what they got!” Mind you I am still wearing an Egypt flag T-Shirt.

Side note – a couple days later after some Arabs had been attacked and killed around the country this girl got scared and tried to take back her words, denying that she said anything. I wasn’t having it and I decided to punish her for her hateful and ignorant words, so I pointed her out in a huge crowd and announced to everyone what she said while pointing at her. She cried and blubbered like a baby but who cares she deserved it. The next day she had an American flag sticker on her rear windshield, what a surprise.

Anyways. That day (9/11) changed everything. That same week my Aunts friend who is Egyptian was shot and killed at the counter of the convenient store he worked at. The world had gone nuts and all I could do is sit back and hope not to get harassed. I never did just a few jokes but nothing serious.

While I still get pyramid questions I sometimes get sarcastic comments like, “Is your uncle Osama Bin Laden?” and “do you have a bomb under your shirt?”. Still though I never quite realized how much things had changed until today. I went to my math class (original post) and decided to campaign to the other students before the teacher arrived. The homework was murder and apparently everyone else agreed. So I convinced everyone to join me in asking the teacher to postpone the test, plus I love messing with this guy, hes so unintentionally funny that I cant resist (you have to read the original post to get an idea). As soon as he walked in I put the heat on.

Me: “Hey Senior [name removed], you got to postpone the test till Thursday. My ‘cabeza’ (Spanish for head) still hurts from section 3-2.”

Butler:” No, aye canna no do eet”

Me: “Come on Senior [name removed], your killing me here, if you don’t postpone the test everyone is going to fail and then you’ll get fired and then your wife will divorce you, think about the ninos

Butler: “No, I canna no be motivated by terrorism”

Me: “O.K. No problema senior”

I know what your thinking, first of all, “You did not say that to him!” and second “that’s nuts he called you a terrorist” Well first, yes I did say that to him, he plays along, me and him are cool like that. Two, at this point he doesn’t know I am Egyptian. But after I say “no problema senior” he looks at me really curious and says

Butler: “Where is jou fron”

I don’t know if he thought I was Hispanic or what but I tell him I am Egyptian and he says.

Butler: “Oh Egypt!? O.K.”

About 20 mins later while he is writing the equation to time travel or the dimensions of the solar system or something, he leans over in the middle of lecture and says to me,

Butler: “jou no take offend weet terrorist comment, O.K.?”

That’s what really surprised me and let me explain why. When I told him I was Egyptian he back tracked in his mind to the terrorist comment he made before he knew I was Egyptian and drew a connection between the two. Six years ago terrorism didn’t come to peoples minds when they heard “Egypt” even after the first world trade center bombing in 1993 which was directed by the Egyptian Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman. With obscure terror alerts on the news every night I think this will get worse before it gets better, maybe the damage is already done. I don’t think I will ever take offense to those comments because I always understand them as just jokes but I would rather listen to ignorant questions about King Tut then ones about Osama Bin Laden.

P.S. My campaign was a success, not only did he postpone the test but decided to give us a take home version. Score! I’m awesome !

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Not This Again.

Now that we are a month into summer its time for the media to bombard us with reports of West Nile Virus. Honestly if you still buy into this crap you deserve to be exiled on Three Mile Island.

West Nile Virus is one of a slew of diseases and pandemic that are supposedly threatening man kind. The following are a list of disasters that were supposed to wipe out humanity in the last several years.
-West Nile Virus. Comes up every summer with alerts in nearly every county of the United States as well as around the world and is a main fixture of the news until September.

Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: 2003-World- N/A U.S. -264

-SARS. That hilarious disease that had everyone in Asia wearing surgical masks, it even caused the Womens World Cup to be moved from China to the U.S.

Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: Asia-182 World-0 U.S.-0

-Prairie Dog Virus. This disease was so obscure and absurd that you don't even remember it. It was a main fixture on the news for a month in the summer of 2004.

Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: World-0 U.S.-0

-Bird Flu. This is the biggest of the "epidemics" facing the world, causing the destruction of the poultry industry in many third world countries. We still haven't heard the end of this one.

Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Indonesia-128 World-0 U.S.- 0

-Mad Cow Disease. You almost forgot about this one didn't you, how could you forget those news reports showing cows banging their head against brick walls and Moo'ing incessantly. Those would usually have me on the floor laughing for a good 25 mins.

Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: World-0 U.S.- 0 If you look up Mad Cow Disease what you will find is hundreds of articles from U.S. and British newspapers with titles such as, "Mad Cow Disease MIGHT kill in U.S. new study shows", "Mad Cow possibly detected in Canada".

-Ebola Virus. Even though you heard about this for the whole year of 1995 and never again, Ebola is apparently still killing people.

Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: Zaire 2003-128, World-0, U.S.-0

Among these diseases there were also several warnings around the time of 9/11 concerning old and formerly subdued diseases coming back. Those include...

-Small Pox
Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

-Cow Pox
Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.
Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

and yes of course

-Bubonic Plague
Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

So in addition to these pandemics which one is the biggest killer?

-Influenza The flu. You know that annoying fever, cough and muscle stiffness you get every year?
Symptoms: high fever, dry cough, headache, muscular stiffness and loss of appetite.

Number of deaths attributed: 1.5 million per year world wide, estimates up to 150,000 in the U.S. each year.

The most crucial thing to gather from all this is that these disease will continue to appear in other countries, the majority will never kill a single U.S. citizen despite the warnings every night on the news. Do these diseases really exist? Maybe, but should we really fear them, I don't think so. No more than I feared Y2K, asteroids from outer space, the predictions of Nostradamus or the apocalypse. If you value your sanity you wont pay attention to any of these reports on the news, but I would recommend getting your Flu shots!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I Love This Stuff!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Ironic Fan Base

So I read this site fairly often, if your not already familiar you can click the link in my list of sites.

By his own admission he is "an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey."(I still don't quite know what snarky is)

I am not surprised that people who disagree with his ideology enjoy reading his site (probably because it gets them hyped up before they go to the terrorist rally.) What does surprise me however is that most of the people to comment on his posts display an obviously opposite ideology. Most of the time they display the kind of behavior he is lampooning in the first place.

The site is based around NOT blaming Israel/America for the problems of the middle east and suggests looking at yourselves instead. To my surprise the comments are full of America hating, terrorist sympathizing Israel bashers. Go figure. Dont they get that they are the source of his frustration?

Sandmonkey, help me out here.

Fat Tastes Good!!

First of all I would like to start by saying, have you noticed that all of the titles of my posts have exclamations points. That's how I feel when I write these stories!

Anyway, I want to detail the night I have had before I go to sleep. I went to a place called Durkins in Lincoln Park (the nice trendy part of town) to hang out with my buddy, we will call him Special K. At first it was a typical Lincoln Park place, trendy yuppies with too much money trying to drink off their Friday night.

Immediately I was bored but it started to get interesting when the bartender starting hitting on Special K. He was wearing a Rolling Stones shirt and she was attracted to him so she asked him "what do you know about the Rolling Stones, what year were you born", he answers, "too young to be wearing this shirt" she gets interested and asks, "what year" so he tells her and she goes, "yea too young."

So that passes and I figure, O.K. I need to make a love connection, even though he is totally not interested, but that doesn't stop me. So I let the time pass, then she walks past us on the way to the bathroom and I say to my self, "I am going to take care of this on her way back."

So on her way back I stop her and say, "hey you don't know my friends name" (really clever huh?} she says O.K. what is it, I tell her and then she says whats your name. I tell her and she says, "Oh really plain", I am thinking, wow how sarcastic. Then she says, "where are you from, India?" immediately I am offended and I tell her "NO, Egypt!" she says "Salam Walaikum" Whaaaaaaat?!

Then check this out, she says, "I liked Egypt when I was there" she goes on to tell me her and a friend went back packing through the middle east in the summer of 05'. What a small world, so I ask her how she liked it she said it was good but "Cairo is a mess of a city."

Unbelievable, I love Cairo, she doesn't know what she's talking about. So I say, "What they gave you crap for being American?" she says, "Egyptian men are disgusting" What can I say, I totally wasn't surprised that she said that, in fact I was waiting for her to get to that part the entire story.

Long story short, in Egypt men will more than undress you with their eyes, they will rape you.

So after that refreshing conversation we decided to leave, we are on our way back to the center of the city and I realize that I am STARVING, so what better to eat at 2 O'clock in the morning, Maxwell Street Polish. The best greasy food you will ever eat.

So we get our food, inhale it and then me and Special K sit and sulk in the deliciousness when Special K asks me. "why does crappy, greasy food taste so good", I look at him and tell him what everyone knows but they are scared to say in fear of sounding like a hog, "listen fat tastes good".

He giggles but seriously, why is McDonald's so successful? Because they stuff as much fat as possible in their food!

I remember when I was in 5th or 6th grade I was at my friends house and I was discussing the difference between skim milk and whole milk in front of his mom and I said, "whole milk tastes better because fat tastes good."

That lady looked at me in complete and utter shock and said "fat tastes good?!" as if it was the most outrageous and idiotic thing she had ever heard.

It couldn't be more true however, I hope right now she is staring at her Big Mac saying, "you know what, I am an idiot, D.B. Shobrawy was right, fat does taste good!!"

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Dura-II

Yea, you see how completely shocked that monkey is, well that's not a picture of a monkey, that's ME after I read this story.

A 68 year old man in Rhode Island of all places, has sued Dacomed Corp. because the product he purchased from them has been malfunctioning for 10 whole years.

Whats this product? A penile implant, that's right a prosthetic penis made out of, get this, plastic and METAL! Apparently it has been frozen in full boner mode for 10 whole years.

This guy has the worst luck ever, he had this thing installed in his body 2 years before Viagra came out and Dacomed Corp. went out of business a year after that.

His list of complaints via his lawyer are hilarious, according to his lawyer he could no longer "hug people, ride a bike, or wear swim trunks" and "felt uncomfortable around his grandchildren", "due to the pain and embarrassment". The implant consists of plastic plates and surgical steel coiled like a roll of coins.

However that's not the saddest part, he was awarded $750,000 but the judge ruled that it was excessive and gave him $400,000.

Now if you have a shred of compassion in your cold black hearts your immediate thought should be, "that's not enough!" If your thinking otherwise don't even bother reading on.

I think we all remember the lady who spilled hot McDonald's coffee on her lap and got like $4 million for the 2nd degree burns on her thigh.

You and I know that was a frivolous law suit but this poor guy, while he might be ready to rock and roll whenever he wants, the in between moments must SUCK!!! He should get at least $2 million in my opinion.

Now for my favorite part, the name of the implant was, "The Dura-II", this guy definitely found the add for The Dura-II in the yellow pages or a late night infomercial.

The Dura-II sounds like the name of a blender invented by Ron Popeil and if you dont know who Ron Popeil is click here

This guy needs a telethon hosted by me to raise money for the settlement he should've gotten.

I spoke TOO soon.

Well aparently I spoke too soon regarding Ayman Al-Zawahiri and no mention of Abu Musab AL-Zarqawi. Heres the update. Heres the original post.

Child Molesting Jamaican Terrorists!

Uh huh, a plot has been uncovered to attack the Sears Tower by FBI agents in Florida, what is it about Florida that Terrorists like so much? This story really doesn't make any sense, apparently the FBI broke up this plan and arrested 7 people involved but this is the weirdest terrorist group I have ever heard of, lets review the "facts"

1. First of all these guys were living in a warehouse, not operating out of or hanging out at, no they were actually living in a warehouse.

2. Are Americans with "no ties to Al-Qaeda or any other foreign terrorist groups".

3. Men who described themselves as Muslims and who were trying to recruit young men into what neighbors described as a militaristic group.

4. Were apparently in their teens.

5.Slept in the warehouse but came outside in the middle of the night to exercise.

6. Tried to recruit children "for a karate class"

7. Members would go to the local church and ask for water.

It Gets weirder !

8. "Had young children with them" and would "cover their faces".

And my absolute favorite........

9. "They spoke with like an accent, sort of a Jamaican accent."

I love this, apparently there is a group of homeless, 15 year old, American Muslims with Jamaican accents who molest children, teach karate and exercise in the middle of the night with their faces covered plotting attacks on major U.S. targets, I couldnt make this up if I tried

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Feminism is Ruining My People!

I have been flipping through some blogs written by Arab women, mostly Arab/American women, there is one common theme I have recognized that I often recognize in the real world too and that is Arab/American women and their contempt for Arab men, American or otherwise.

What I also observe is these bloggers and their frustration with Arab women living in the middle east who love Arab men.

This never surprises me but also never fails to piss me off, the reality is that America has a jading affect on women, it strips them of the most important and precious values from their home country and those are, the passion and satisfaction of nurturing others, the pride in providing motherly love to the family and the ability to balance the home by taking on some of the stresses of the home.

Their mothers came from a country where a woman wasnt a woman without these qualities and they now jubilate in a country that demands none of these qualities.

Its really the newest and most accepted double standard in our society simply because a man is defined by his ability to work, provide for the family and make as much money as is humanly possible, this expectation will never change, it always has been and always will be, however what has been expected of a woman for so many years is now considered oppressive, chauvinistic and even abusive.

Reality is that men and woman are equal, but different, a womans natural role as a nurturer is just as important as a mans role as a provider but what we now face in American culture is that, for a man not to fulfill his acknowledged role is unacceptable and frawned upon, for him not to work is for him not to be a man.

In the case of an american woman, no one can expect her to work because it is abusive and pig headed and no one can expect her to take care of the home because it is abusive and pig headed. She will do whatever she wants because she lives in a world without consequences and without expectations, celarly very different from a mans role.

So am I surprised that Arab/American women have contempt for Arab men, absolutely not because they have American culture to look towards , which is a much better option, and I dont blame them, because if I lived in a culture that said a man doesnt have to work, I would LOVE IT!!!

As far as Arab/American women are concerned, I look at them like Major League Baseball pitchers. Players hate to **PITCH** to Barry Bonds because they know if they **PITCH** to him he will hit it back. They LOVE to **PITCH** to lousy unskilled players because they know they will get it by them everytime! Right?

So for an Arab/American girl, why **PITCH** to an Arab, when you can **PITCH** to a "less skilled" player.

Interesting Note:
What I see happening in America is that Arab girls who have been man hating feminists their whole lives, as they approach their thirties, slowly become more "domestic" as they watch more and more Arab men go back to their home country and come back with the most drop dead gorgeous woman.

Meanwhile every woman in their family is asking them "when are you going to get married". I wont say its elegance or class or whatever but there is something uniquely different about a woman from back home and how she carries herself compared to Arab/American woman.


I got the initial word on , along with some extremely disturbing pictures, that the Borat movie is finally on its way. There is even a trailer , does this get any better, well yes it does. Because I am supremely awesome, I have decided to post some premium borat Here for your viewing pleasure. There is Borat buys a slave. The famous
Throw the Jew Down the Well
and of course The Best of Borat

He's Baaaaaack!

Ayman Al-Zawahiri is back ladies and gentleman. His timing is a little off with no mention of Zarqawi, instead he's complaining about the May 29th riots in Kabul which most people barely remember. On top of all that Al-Zawahiri isn't complaining about Bush this time or even Blair, he barely talks about Iraq.

Instead Al-Zawahiri is in some sort of Islamic Jihadist time warp, complaining about Bill Clinton, Margaret Thatcher and Salman Rushdie..... Yea Salman Rushdie, can you believe they are still pissed about that guy, he has been on the Jihad Hit-list since 1988.

So why Al-Zawahiri and not Osama Bin Laden, well one, maybe Osama is dead but two, Al-Zawahiri has got more to be pissed off about, he started out in Egypt with the Muslim Brotherhood when he was only 14 and as he got older became the man in charge of his own psycho group, the Egyptian Islamic Jihad.

Now this is where it gets juicy, in 1981 Anwar Sadat gets assassinated by Al-Zawahiri's group the Egyptian Islamic Jihad, so the police pull him in and "interrogate" him, there's no doubt that his interrogation included, electro shock, pliers, hammers, whatever you might find in a craftsman tool box and probably the wrong end of a broomstick.

By the time they let him out due to lack of evidence he was so coo coo for co co puffs that he leaves for Afghanistan to join the Mujahideen. He probably wakes up every night with nightmares of Egyptian police and power tools.

This is the real story of Al-Zawahiri

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

This Stuff Never Gets Old

This Palestine/Israel stuff never gets old, and we have the Palestinians to thank, more specifically Hamas. When Arafat was in charge it was like one giant stalemate and by stalemate I mean suicide bombings followed by retaliatory attacks but even then we had hamas to thank for all the action.

Look what Hamas has done to keep us entertained since they obtained Majority control in January. They have, called for "the establishment of an independent state whose capital is Jerusalem" (keep holding your breaths on that one).

In February declared that "anyone who thinks Hamas will change is wrong" and in May Hamas leaders threatened a new Intifada as well as to decapitate anyone who tried to bring down their cabinet.

While all this was going on they still managed to kill each other with clashes between Hamas and the Fatah party the day after Israel pulled out of Gaza! The day after...They didn't even wait 24 hours!!!!

Man these guys have been busy , and to wrap it all up with a cherry on top, all the guys employed by Hamas helping Palestine self destruct haven't been paid wages since Hamas took control in January.

This is getting juicier and juicier. Now that Hamas has realized that their situation has gotten so bad that they cant even help themselves, they have proposed a cease fire....Again.

Translation- Yea we are so incompetent that we have managed to completely self destruct in only 5 and a half months and we don't have enough money to throw stones and home made bottle rockets at you right now.

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Phantom Menace

In my description I note being analytical, I like to believe I am in the upper percentile in terms of analytical ability and because of being so analytical I have a lot of opinions.

That bothers some people but ask yourself, have you ever met anyone who had NO opinions. I have and let me start by saying people like that are the scourge of the earth and should be abandoned on a remote island with scarce resources.

What would they talk about, would they bore each other to death? Really imagine what kind of person you would be if your parents didn't take a stance on issues and tell you, "this is wrong and this is right"? Worse yet, not having opinions generally equals an inability to have a conversation.

Let me tell you about this soulless person I was once friends with, who was functionally incompetent at forming a single opinion. In order to protect this persons identity we will refer to her as The Phantom Menace (yea its a girl, are you surprised).

When it comes to me I enjoy good conversation with my friends and personally I think I am a master at creating conversation with anyone, I could get a mute to tell me about their likes and dislikes.

One of my techniques is randomly posing a question to a group of quiet and boring people. You have to make the question a little edgy, I could get the Queen of England to talk to me about her bowel movements.

I am not David Blaine though, if your mentally absent I cant help you. The Phantom Menace was mentally absent, this was one of our conversations, word for word...

Yours Truly: what's up?
PM: I don't know, nothing?
Yours Truly: *raised eye brow* your not sure?
PM: Huh?
Yours Truly: Nothing, so hows school, work, life?
PM: Um, I dont know.

Is this girl serious, she doesnt have an opinion on how shes doing, she "dont know".
Now even though this isn't the first encounter of this nature with PM I am going for gold here because I have faith in my skills, so I hit her with this...

Yours Truly: when was the last time you farted?
PM: What!?
Yours Truly: come on, its nothing to be ashamed of, its normal, its natural, everyone does it, you're human aren't you?
PM: Yea, Sooo what's up?

Great we are back to talking about nothing! At this point I decide to throw a cynical curve ball

Yours Truly: So how do you feel about Hitler, nice guy? Over achiever?
PM: I don't know
Yours Truly: you dont know? wow, anything, anything at all?
**Blank Stare**

Seriously is she trying to be cute, whets the deal? The scary thing is, this girl is in law school. A lawyer without opinions is like a basketball player without illegitimate kids.
Generally I am up for this kind of challenge but I have no patience so I loose it...

Yours Truly: seriously why am I friends with you, why is anyone friends with you, you offer absolutely nothing to society!
PM: What, what do you want me to say?
Yours truly: nothing, don't say anything, just sit there and take up space.

I know this seems harsh but the good thing about people like this is you can really rip into them and it rolls right off their back.

What ended up happening is I realized that even though PM isnt a bad person I just cant communicate with her so I ended ties 4 or 5 months ago. I know what your thinking, I am mean right?

Well it might seem mean but if you have a friend like this do yourself a favor and cut them loose because by continuing your friendship your actually making yourself dumber. Save yourself people!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Devil's Jock Strap

I love Chicago unconditionally, I really do. Chicago is the best city in America and the most underrated, but WOW, the humidity in the summer is unbearable.

I have spent several summers in Egypt, a country synonymous with heat and I guarantee you this.

Chicago in the summer is MUCH hotter than Egypt in the summer and to top it all off, my apartment doesn't have A/C!

Do you know what its like to sleep with no A/C? ......Its like trying to sleep curled up in the devil's jock strap!

By the way, I saw this crazy air conditioner at best buy, its the size of a small fridge and can air condition several rooms. The thing is like $500, that's outrageous!

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Most Distractions in a Math class EVER!!

So I am taking a math class this summer in order to get a jump on my schedule. Its a marathon, 3 straight hours of math which takes a lot of focus because I am not too good at math, to put it mildly, I am functionally illiterate at math and I hate math like I hate the Devil. It is imperative that I succeed in this class and even more imperative that I pay close attention to what's going on. Of course because I have the worst luck out of any human being to ever walk the earth, I end up in a class that has the most distractions in a math class ever! In order to help you understand how ridiculous the situation is, I will catergorize each distraction and then explain the sad hilarity of each. The following is the categorization of my misfortune.

1. The butler from Mr. Deeds
2. Batman and Robin
3. Hot girls
4. Shaka Zulu and the horizontal mambo
5. Old school building that reminds me of prohibition and Al Capone.
6. Angry Mumbles
7. Book worm
8. Graphing Calculator
9. Chewbaccas legs

Ok. Lets get started.
1.First day of class, of course I meet the teacher. This guy is probably the single greatest distraction in the whole class, his accent, commentary and mannerisms are HYSTERICAL. Hes hispanic but I cant figure out from which hispanic country. Definitely not Mexican but could easily be Puerto Rican, Spanish, Cuban, I don't know. He reminds me of someone but I couldn't put my finger on it. Turns out he reminds me exactly of the butler from Mr. Deeds, he even looks like him granted that the butler in Mr.Deeds is probably 20 years too young. I cant take full credit for that discovery, one of the other guys in class pointed it out during the break, He stated it like he had figured it out a long time ago....

Me: "that guy is almost impossible to understand, but he reminds me of someone."
Other Guy: "yea its the butler from Mr.Deeds"
Me: "right, of course"

Now if you haven't seen Mr. Deeds your S.O.L. but if you have then you can imagine how hilarious it is. I still want you to understand however so basically imagine your math class being taught by Ricky Ricardo. Got it? This guys accent fits any Spanish stereotype for example.

Butler: " est barry iportaunt dat jou edon poot di funchion in di wron playce, est no good fora jou."

2. If that's not bad enough there are these 2 wise guys in the class who apparently have taken this guy before and enjoy passing their time by heckling the butler and laughing out loud at his bad English. These guys are like Batman and Robin, being Batman does all the work and robin gets credit by association. First day of class batman comes in 30 mins late and starts yelling...

Batman: "Hey [butlers first name] you dont know what your talking about!!"
Butler: "Please [Batmans name] esseet down"

Batman sits down but makes some wise cracks to the boy wonder and they both start cracking up. I thought this was a rare moment, it happens every class! Butler separates Batman and the Boy Wonder every single class. Last thing I need, I am trying to focus here.

3. Nothing to complain about but a distraction none the less, this class has the highest number of hot girls I ve ever had in a class, at least 10 really attractive girls. That really speaks for itself.

4. Who do I have in my class, none other than this girl my buddy used to be with(on the side, probably so we wouldn't make fun of him). To say this girl is dark is an understatement, if she were chicken shed be Popeyes limited edition Extra Crunchy. If she were an actor shed be Wesley snipes and if she was an African warrior shed be Shaka Zulu. The weird thing is that I know Shaka Zulu was with my friend and my friend knows I know they were together but Shaka Zulu doesn't know that I know or even that me and him are friends but she knows me from another class me and her had. Don't ask me how that happens. Every time I look at Shaka Zulu I see her and my buddy doing the horizontal mambo and I get an erie shiver down my spine.

5. My school is in downtown Chicago on the 10th floor and all I see out the window is this really old school looking building with these gothic animal faces all around the roof with this interesting trim and one of those old fashioned metal fire escapes. Basically my imagination is taking hold of me and I am imagining guys in zoot suits with fedoras and tommy guns running down the fire escape. Al Capone types ,Ok this one is completely my fault, what a weird image.

6. Meanwhile, The Butler from Mr. Deeds is going nuts with the longest equation I have ever seen. I think he was calculating time travel and the space time continuum. All I hear is angry mumbles.

Student #1: "Whats going on?"
Student #2: " Oh my God, what is he talking about?"
Student#1: "I dont know whats going on"
Batman: "its sandscript!!"

That one actually cracked me up, the best part is when Batman busts out these comments The butler doesn't skip a beat!

7. This one guy next to me is SO bored that he leaves class and comes back 20 mins later with a book written by a recently famous blogger. Hes laughing so loud its as if he doesn't know hes in a class filled with people, everyone can hear him and everyone is turning around to see whats so funny. Again The Butler doesn't skip a beat, math is his passion and he will be damned if Batman or Book Worm are going to ruin it.

8. The butler breaks from the board every once in a while to instruct us how to do the equations in the graphing calculator. Only thing is, somewhere between kindergarten and college I never learned how to use a graphing calculator. Don't ask me how but I never did, I am sitting there in class PISSED that I am destined to be lost, I mean is this really happening?

9. Finally my favorite distraction. I glance over to Shaka Zulu and shes staring at the ground, I follow her eyes to the ground and try to figure out what shes looking at, apparently its nothing, shes just spacing out. So I move to get back into the class or get distracted by something else when I see something next to the spot on the ground Shaka is staring at. This girl behind Shaka Zulus hairy legs! Guys out there, if you've ever seen a girls legs when she says she hasn't shaved in a while, there is one thing you think when you see them, "where's the hair?" Because to a girl, having hairy legs is basically stubble and guys, we cant see that, we are expecting hairy legs that look like ours. Well let me tell you something my friends...... This girls leg hair was not stubble, it wasn't 2 days growth or even a week this girl had long man like leg hair, and she was wearing shorts!!! This girls leg hair was so long you could see swirls in it. This girls leg hair was so long I want to harvest the hairs and weave a sweater out of it. Gross. The wierdest thing was that I wasn't immediately taken aback by the hair, instead I was mesmerized, in a trance.

10. And if all that wasnt distraction enough, my desire to categorize all of this so I didn't forget and so I could write about it, to entertain you little monkeys, took over me and I found myself writing in my notebook about all my distractions. Unbelievable, distracted writing about my distractions.