Friday, June 16, 2006

The Most Distractions in a Math class EVER!!

So I am taking a math class this summer in order to get a jump on my schedule. Its a marathon, 3 straight hours of math which takes a lot of focus because I am not too good at math, to put it mildly, I am functionally illiterate at math and I hate math like I hate the Devil. It is imperative that I succeed in this class and even more imperative that I pay close attention to what's going on. Of course because I have the worst luck out of any human being to ever walk the earth, I end up in a class that has the most distractions in a math class ever! In order to help you understand how ridiculous the situation is, I will catergorize each distraction and then explain the sad hilarity of each. The following is the categorization of my misfortune.

1. The butler from Mr. Deeds
2. Batman and Robin
3. Hot girls
4. Shaka Zulu and the horizontal mambo
5. Old school building that reminds me of prohibition and Al Capone.
6. Angry Mumbles
7. Book worm
8. Graphing Calculator
9. Chewbaccas legs

Ok. Lets get started.
1.First day of class, of course I meet the teacher. This guy is probably the single greatest distraction in the whole class, his accent, commentary and mannerisms are HYSTERICAL. Hes hispanic but I cant figure out from which hispanic country. Definitely not Mexican but could easily be Puerto Rican, Spanish, Cuban, I don't know. He reminds me of someone but I couldn't put my finger on it. Turns out he reminds me exactly of the butler from Mr. Deeds, he even looks like him granted that the butler in Mr.Deeds is probably 20 years too young. I cant take full credit for that discovery, one of the other guys in class pointed it out during the break, He stated it like he had figured it out a long time ago....

Me: "that guy is almost impossible to understand, but he reminds me of someone."
Other Guy: "yea its the butler from Mr.Deeds"
Me: "right, of course"

Now if you haven't seen Mr. Deeds your S.O.L. but if you have then you can imagine how hilarious it is. I still want you to understand however so basically imagine your math class being taught by Ricky Ricardo. Got it? This guys accent fits any Spanish stereotype for example.

Butler: " est barry iportaunt dat jou edon poot di funchion in di wron playce, est no good fora jou."

2. If that's not bad enough there are these 2 wise guys in the class who apparently have taken this guy before and enjoy passing their time by heckling the butler and laughing out loud at his bad English. These guys are like Batman and Robin, being Batman does all the work and robin gets credit by association. First day of class batman comes in 30 mins late and starts yelling...

Batman: "Hey [butlers first name] you dont know what your talking about!!"
Butler: "Please [Batmans name] esseet down"

Batman sits down but makes some wise cracks to the boy wonder and they both start cracking up. I thought this was a rare moment, it happens every class! Butler separates Batman and the Boy Wonder every single class. Last thing I need, I am trying to focus here.

3. Nothing to complain about but a distraction none the less, this class has the highest number of hot girls I ve ever had in a class, at least 10 really attractive girls. That really speaks for itself.

4. Who do I have in my class, none other than this girl my buddy used to be with(on the side, probably so we wouldn't make fun of him). To say this girl is dark is an understatement, if she were chicken shed be Popeyes limited edition Extra Crunchy. If she were an actor shed be Wesley snipes and if she was an African warrior shed be Shaka Zulu. The weird thing is that I know Shaka Zulu was with my friend and my friend knows I know they were together but Shaka Zulu doesn't know that I know or even that me and him are friends but she knows me from another class me and her had. Don't ask me how that happens. Every time I look at Shaka Zulu I see her and my buddy doing the horizontal mambo and I get an erie shiver down my spine.

5. My school is in downtown Chicago on the 10th floor and all I see out the window is this really old school looking building with these gothic animal faces all around the roof with this interesting trim and one of those old fashioned metal fire escapes. Basically my imagination is taking hold of me and I am imagining guys in zoot suits with fedoras and tommy guns running down the fire escape. Al Capone types ,Ok this one is completely my fault, what a weird image.

6. Meanwhile, The Butler from Mr. Deeds is going nuts with the longest equation I have ever seen. I think he was calculating time travel and the space time continuum. All I hear is angry mumbles.

Student #1: "Whats going on?"
Student #2: " Oh my God, what is he talking about?"
Student#1: "I dont know whats going on"
Batman: "its sandscript!!"

That one actually cracked me up, the best part is when Batman busts out these comments The butler doesn't skip a beat!

7. This one guy next to me is SO bored that he leaves class and comes back 20 mins later with a book written by a recently famous blogger. Hes laughing so loud its as if he doesn't know hes in a class filled with people, everyone can hear him and everyone is turning around to see whats so funny. Again The Butler doesn't skip a beat, math is his passion and he will be damned if Batman or Book Worm are going to ruin it.

8. The butler breaks from the board every once in a while to instruct us how to do the equations in the graphing calculator. Only thing is, somewhere between kindergarten and college I never learned how to use a graphing calculator. Don't ask me how but I never did, I am sitting there in class PISSED that I am destined to be lost, I mean is this really happening?

9. Finally my favorite distraction. I glance over to Shaka Zulu and shes staring at the ground, I follow her eyes to the ground and try to figure out what shes looking at, apparently its nothing, shes just spacing out. So I move to get back into the class or get distracted by something else when I see something next to the spot on the ground Shaka is staring at. This girl behind Shaka Zulus hairy legs! Guys out there, if you've ever seen a girls legs when she says she hasn't shaved in a while, there is one thing you think when you see them, "where's the hair?" Because to a girl, having hairy legs is basically stubble and guys, we cant see that, we are expecting hairy legs that look like ours. Well let me tell you something my friends...... This girls leg hair was not stubble, it wasn't 2 days growth or even a week this girl had long man like leg hair, and she was wearing shorts!!! This girls leg hair was so long you could see swirls in it. This girls leg hair was so long I want to harvest the hairs and weave a sweater out of it. Gross. The wierdest thing was that I wasn't immediately taken aback by the hair, instead I was mesmerized, in a trance.

10. And if all that wasnt distraction enough, my desire to categorize all of this so I didn't forget and so I could write about it, to entertain you little monkeys, took over me and I found myself writing in my notebook about all my distractions. Unbelievable, distracted writing about my distractions.


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