Monday, June 19, 2006

The Phantom Menace

In my description I note being analytical, I like to believe I am in the upper percentile in terms of analytical ability and because of being so analytical I have a lot of opinions.

That bothers some people but ask yourself, have you ever met anyone who had NO opinions. I have and let me start by saying people like that are the scourge of the earth and should be abandoned on a remote island with scarce resources.

What would they talk about, would they bore each other to death? Really imagine what kind of person you would be if your parents didn't take a stance on issues and tell you, "this is wrong and this is right"? Worse yet, not having opinions generally equals an inability to have a conversation.

Let me tell you about this soulless person I was once friends with, who was functionally incompetent at forming a single opinion. In order to protect this persons identity we will refer to her as The Phantom Menace (yea its a girl, are you surprised).

When it comes to me I enjoy good conversation with my friends and personally I think I am a master at creating conversation with anyone, I could get a mute to tell me about their likes and dislikes.

One of my techniques is randomly posing a question to a group of quiet and boring people. You have to make the question a little edgy, I could get the Queen of England to talk to me about her bowel movements.

I am not David Blaine though, if your mentally absent I cant help you. The Phantom Menace was mentally absent, this was one of our conversations, word for word...

Yours Truly: what's up?
PM: I don't know, nothing?
Yours Truly: *raised eye brow* your not sure?
PM: Huh?
Yours Truly: Nothing, so hows school, work, life?
PM: Um, I dont know.

Is this girl serious, she doesnt have an opinion on how shes doing, she "dont know".
Now even though this isn't the first encounter of this nature with PM I am going for gold here because I have faith in my skills, so I hit her with this...

Yours Truly: when was the last time you farted?
PM: What!?
Yours Truly: come on, its nothing to be ashamed of, its normal, its natural, everyone does it, you're human aren't you?
**PAUSE**
PM: Yea, Sooo what's up?

Great we are back to talking about nothing! At this point I decide to throw a cynical curve ball

Yours Truly: So how do you feel about Hitler, nice guy? Over achiever?
PM: I don't know
Yours Truly: you dont know? wow, anything, anything at all?
**Blank Stare**

Seriously is she trying to be cute, whets the deal? The scary thing is, this girl is in law school. A lawyer without opinions is like a basketball player without illegitimate kids.
Generally I am up for this kind of challenge but I have no patience so I loose it...

Yours Truly: seriously why am I friends with you, why is anyone friends with you, you offer absolutely nothing to society!
PM: What, what do you want me to say?
Yours truly: nothing, don't say anything, just sit there and take up space.

I know this seems harsh but the good thing about people like this is you can really rip into them and it rolls right off their back.

What ended up happening is I realized that even though PM isnt a bad person I just cant communicate with her so I ended ties 4 or 5 months ago. I know what your thinking, I am mean right?

Well it might seem mean but if you have a friend like this do yourself a favor and cut them loose because by continuing your friendship your actually making yourself dumber. Save yourself people!

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