Thursday, November 30, 2006

God Please Destroy My Room Mate!

I am pissed...beyond pissed and I want to tell you about it.

I have a room mate, my room mate doubles as one of my "best friends". You may remember his name appearing in some stories as "Special K".

I have an announcement to make about Special K.... I hate him and I hope he burns in the eternal fires of hell! Let me tell you why.

When Special K and I first moved in we were notified that we needed to call the gas company and have service switched over from the previous resident over to us. I asked Special K to call the gas company and arrange for service but he failed to take care of that in the first week. I approached Special K and asked...

Yours Truly: did you call the gas company?

Special K: no, I thought you were taking care of that.

Yours Truly: well I have the cable and internet in my name so I would like you to split the responsibility and put the gas in your name.

Special K: OK, fine (in an angry tone)

Then last night I come home and the stove isn't working and immediately following the stove the heater stops working. You should have seen the look on my face! I slowly turn my attention towards Special K...

Yours Truly: did you call the gas company last week like I asked you to?

Special K: no not yet.

Yours Truly: you must be the dumbest man alive! Call tomorrow morning!!

Then I get a phone call the next morning from Special K explaining that the gas company wont be able to send out a technician to turn the gas on for another 6 days. Apparently if he called before they turned it off it would have been an instant switch but because the gas was actually turned off it will require a technician to set all the pilot lights.

P.S. Its going to snow tonight and the high temperature is 17 degrees Fahrenheit.

I would like to take this moment and pray to God.

Dear God

I ask that you take Special K and bestow upon him the most severe pain possible on a human being. Have no mercy on him God for he is a fool beyond the limits of foolishness. Set fire to his balls and impale his anus with a hot iron spike, cast his worthless soul to the depth of hell and punish him time and time again until the end of eternity. Amen


At 4:42 PM, Anonymous izzi said...

lol lets just hope God doesn't answer your prayers because u r going to feel so guilty then- but he does sound really annoying.. did you try shaking him real hard? the nickname special k is hilarious.

At 7:11 PM, Blogger Egypeter said...

Jeez, a little harsh, no?

AND we're getting a foot of snow d.b....good luck brother. I have a spare bed if you need to thaw out :)

At 11:33 PM, Blogger D.B. Shobrawy said...

Pete, prepare the bed I'll be there in 45 mins!

At 9:05 AM, Blogger Arima said...

wow what a prayer! You're mean ;)
Do you still live?

At 9:10 AM, Blogger Sand-E Sez said...

"waaw wee wawa" so increadibly hardcore about the smiting no?! I'm glad you don't have a voodoo doll or an eye of newt at your disposal. What happens when special K has his special way with lets say ur special other who is now bearing child?! ORrrrr bettter yet. Special k borrows your OH so special 8 speed (lexus makes them now) brand new car and totals it. Instead of owning up to it and getting it fixed special K decides to dump it in the river!
Betcha something as minimal as frostbite is looking good now! frostbite

At 11:17 AM, Blogger D.B. Shobrawy said...

Dont feel sorry for Special K people. This guy is a repeat offender and a selfish bastard too!

At 4:06 PM, Blogger Cairogal said...

Any answer from the man upstairs just yet?

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Leilouta said...


"1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.

a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this

3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.

6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let other less important people do that.

7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!

8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!

9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?

10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is free for all Summer Interns.

11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime they go to the bathroom.

12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.

13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.

14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them when she leaves town--then don't bother wasting your time feeding them. They're only fish, and they probably won't need to eat anyway.

15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??

16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn't want to use her pot anyway.

17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.

18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've given it away either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for giving it to them."

At 1:03 AM, Blogger D.B. Shobrawy said...

Cairogal- Unfortunately my prayers have not been answered yet but I have faith in God and I know that if I remain steadfast, in due time God will smite Special K with a vicious vengence!

Leilouta- Your comment is long, outdated and genderly inacurate but HILARIOUS none the less!

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Donkeyhue said...

My rules arent extensive as the beautiful Leilouta so forgive my brevity.


If you have a friend thats doesnt have actual magical powers yet still refers to himself as "Special fill in the blank initial" hes not a friend, hes burden a tax burden.

At 3:18 AM, Blogger Juka said...

WOW. I would never want to be on your bad side. Try that curse in Spanish might actually work.. or at least scare some sense into the poor soul.

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Carmen said...

My friend and I stopped talking to each other when we became roommates. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and is the reason I'd rather live in my parents' basement and deal with their eccentricities than ever have another roommate again.


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