I'm On Drugs

Last week my Mom called me to say my Uncle S, A.K.A. "The Enforcer", was looking for me. I love my Uncle but he's not the kind of guy you want "looking for you", he's not called The Enforcer for nothing.

To put it plainly my Uncle is a professional bad ass who served in the Egyptian army during one of the Arab-Israeli wars and who is feared by Chicago's entire Egyptian community. This guy is no joke, he has a stone cold look that makes babies cry, not to mention that he's one of the most imposing figures I've ever known.

Regardless I decided to swallow my fear and give him a call to see what he wanted.

The Enforcer: Hello!

Yours Truly: Hi Uncle.

The Enforcer: Hey how are you?

Yours Truly: Good.

The Enforcer: Good? What do you mean your good?

Yours Truly: I don't know, I feel good.

The Enforcer: Uh huh, like the song? I feel good, nah na nah na nah na na!

Yours Truly: Uhhh kinda, Mom said you wanted to talk to me, yea?

The Enforcer: Yea, why don't you come over on Sunday so we can talk?

Yours Truly: Sure, no problem.

How completely terrifying, the Enforcer wants to talk to me face to face! I have to admit when Sunday came around I was ready to crap my pants but you couldn't tell by looking at me, I know not to show fear in front of The Enforcer. When we finally met up my Uncle grabbed two chairs, faced them about 2 inches from each other and told me to sit down.

The conversation went like this.

Yours Truly: So what did you want to talk about?

The Enforcer: I wanted to talk to you about something someone told me, something disturbing!

Yours Truly: Uhh O.K. what is it? (at this point I'm shaking)

The Enforcer: I heard you're on drugs.

Yours Truly: What!? Me? On drugs? Who told you that?

The Enforcer: It only takes one or two times to become addicted and then your stealing your doing anything for more drugs.

Yours Truly: Uncle, I'm not on drugs.

The Enforcer: I see these people at work, they are like animals, the black people and the Mexicans, they kill each other for more drugs.

Yours Truly: Seriously I'm not on drugs, why would someone who doesn't know me say that?

The Enforcer: Just tell me now, we can get you help!

Yours Truly: Uncle would you please listen to me, I'm not on drugs, you can talk to any of my friends they will tell you I'm not on drugs.

The Enforcer: OK, I believe you but if you are just tell me now so we can get you help!

Yours Truly: Oh my God, I don't know what I can tell you that will convince you I'm not using drugs!

The Enforcer: OK, If your not than I'm happy.

Yours Truly: OK, are we done here?

The Enforcer: Yea, but I better not find out your lying!

How unbelievable is this! I have never been the victim of Egyptian gossip before and suddenly after so many years I find out from my Uncle, via some anonymous stranger, that I'm on drugs! Allow me to clarify, I'm not on drugs, nor have I ever used or even tried a drug. So to that person who's making up lies about me, I'm going to find you!

Side note: Maybe this rumor started as a result of my abuse of NyQuil.