The Bottled Water Incident

Recently my friend “Special K” moved in with me, he just graduated from college and I thought it would be a good idea if we shared a place. This weekend his friend from college, “Johnny Two Tone” is visiting so we’ve been doing our best to show him a good time. It’s been a success so far, luckily JTT isn’t a douche bag, and he’s actually been a lot of fun, so I have to make sure he has a SUPER DUPER time!

Today we went downtown to eat and walk Michigan Ave., “The Magnificent Mile” (that’s not one of my nicknames, that’s really what it’s called). Today might not have been the best day to walk up and down The Magnificent Mile, I’m no meteorologist but if I had to guess I would say it was 142.8 degrees outside and me being the infinite genius that I am, wore black which significantly magnified the heat.

SIDE NOTE: *While we’re walking we see at least 5 different bums holding signs that say, “I’m Just Hungry”, hand written in the same exact bubble font. Apparently there is a cartel of not very clever con artist “bums” in Chicago. Tourists beware! I am walking past one of these “bums” and he says to me, “Yo man I’m Hungry”, so I turn to him and say, “dude me too, do you know where McDonalds is?”… O.K. that part didn’t happen but it would’ve been funny if it did, no? Anyway, if any of you “bums” I saw today are sitting at home reading this with your morning espresso, change up your strategy.*

At this point we’re sweating so much our clothes are wet and sticking to our bodies, the temperature inside my underwear is approximately 252.3 degrees, so when I see a real bum selling ice cold bottles of water I am so excited that I almost pee on myself. We all buy a bottle of water and throw the guy a couple extra dollars for hustling instead of begging. I take a very anxious sip and immediately my face turns from excitement to confusion, I look around and everyone has the same look…

JTT- Dis wata don’t taste right.

Me- No, it tastes good. (at this point I’m in denial)

JTT- Bro, dis wata don’t taste normal.

I keep drinking in hopes the taste will change…It doesn’t. Finally I concede.

Me- Your right, this water tastes terrible, it tastes like sweat.

JTT- I told ya bro.

Special K-My stomach hurts, I think I'm going to throw up.

We all ended up with stomach aches and I don’t think the “water” was water at all, I think that bum sold us bottled sweat from the crack of his butt.