Ask yourself, what do you think it would it be like for Michael Jordan to watch Chris Farley play professional basketball? Excruciating, right? That’s what its like for me to watch certain people in social gatherings. Being Egyptian has made me a MASTER conversationalist. How you ask? If you’re Egyptian or if you know any Egyptians you might be aware that Egyptians have, by far, the shortest attention span out of any race of people in the whole world. You could be sitting across the table from a group of Egyptians contemplating suicide and instead of listening to you they will be focused on some jerk cracking jokes about whatever, I’m that jerk! Through out my development I mastered the art of face to face conversation and how to keep the rooms attention.
Last night was particularly excruciating evening, let me lay out the scenario for you. My mother invited this American lady, who she barely knows, over to the house for dinner. Attending the dinner would be myself, my mother, my brother, my cousin “UniBrow” and his wife visiting from Egypt, my uncle the pervert as well as the American lady and her husband. We will refer to the American couple as “Mary and Joseph”
One of the characters that may have stuck out to you is “my uncle the pervert”. My uncle is a genius, he was the first person of my family to come to the U.S., he owns more real estate than Donald Trump and he is one of the most acute intellectuals I have had the pleasure of knowing but his one weakness is his dirty old man syndrome. My uncle could tell a story that would make Larry Flynt blush. On top of telling the crudest jokes and stories he sometimes has a habit of telling them to the wrong people. Last night was one of those times.
We sat down at the dinner table and my uncle began what would inevitably be a dirty joke. From the onset you could see where the story was going, “Joseph” interjected and said, “If its one of those kinds of jokes you shouldn’t continue, “Mary” doesn’t like that sort of thing”. Mary adds, “I’m a nurse for a Protestant Ministry”. Awkward Moment #1. My uncle says, “O.K. I won’t continue”
That was a very stern warning but did that stop my uncle? Of course not, he carried on with several other dirty jokes, he submitted another one about every 10 mins or so. The following are a few samples of awkward moments…
Awkward Moment #27- My uncle tells a joke in which a calf mistakes a naked mans wiener for its mother’s udder.
Awkward Moment #38-My uncle explains that Howard Hughes was a genius because he wouldn’t allow his mistress to drive over train tracks. Why? So that her perfect breasts wouldn’t be disturbed.
Awkward Moment #39- My uncle expresses his approval of Howard Hughes’ theory and that, “I don’t allow my wife to not wear a bra, I know what sagging breasts look like and I wont allow it”
Awkward Moment #52- My uncle tells Mary to turn her head because he is going to tell another joke, she gets up and walks away.
At this point I decide that this is all too good to pass up so I sit on the couch adjacent from the dinning room table and take notes on the train wreck before me. I was stopped several times and asked, “What are you writing there” My response, “uhhh it’s a science experiment”
My uncle wasn’t alone in his ill timed commentary, at one point during the dinner, while everyone is eating my brother explains that, “flies eat dog poop by spitting acid on it and sucking up the juices.” I wish I was making this up.
Finally I excused myself, “I need to go to the store”. My cousin looked at me and said, “You just want to get out of here.” Shortly After returning from the store in the middle of Awkward Moment #172, I explained that I must return to my apartment, I said my goodbyes and got out before my uncle could finish Awkward Moment #175.